Rachel Ray and Bobby Flay I am NOT.

Food Net work has really gotten me into the swing of being a beginer cook. I am interested in the easiest way of mincing garlic with out a food processor. (Hate the Clean-up) I have a new found love for sharp-really sharp knives- and I love to see the families face when they say,"You made this?"

As in all good habits in my life I go gun ho for about two solid weeks then the intrest wanes. This has been the experience with food. Only when I started to get bored with the dinner stuff Christmas came along and there were goodies to be made. I have loved eating the good food though so when I stopped cooking I notice that I turn to Taco Bell for nurishment. ( As my husband will tell me, "that is the worst food you could ever put in your body") Ultimately leading me back to the Food Network home page in search for more delectable dinner options.

One of my relatives came for a visit while I was still in the new phase of cooking. She is a culanary genius and can make some wonderful dishes out of mere cardboard and chicken stock.
During the visit we endulged in some homemade salsa. That was the top for me if you can make your own salsa you are a Godess in my book. So after the visit my husband and I put the kids down for the night and went to the gorciery store for some ingredients of a salsa that I found that looked enticing. We spent many happy moments that evening chopping tomatoe and onion finely and then some irregano ect.

This recipe called for jalepenos ( I don't know how to put the little accent on). Now me being a smart cookie I knew the heat of the jalepeno were in the seeds.

Note: There are people out there that would call me "flighty", "spacey", "bubbly", "forgetful" even "Ditsy". I would not call myself any of those things. I am pretty confident in myself so I would lable myself as "arrogantly ignorant".

As I start gutting the jalepenos the conversation in my head goes as follows:

Self: You know there was some trick to these jalepenos.
J.D.(also Myself): Yeah, but it probably was just how Rachel Ray used a spoon to scoop out the seeds. And the seed are where you get the hot stuff.
Self: Ok well make sure you get all those nasty seed out.
J.D.: Yeah Yeah you are so bossy sometimes.
Self: Gee my eye itches......

This is where the scene plays out in slow motion.

Hand of JD moves slowly to her eye for a danty corner pull rub.

And then we have...

Five

Four

Three

Two

One

Self: Oh that is starting to burn.
JD: Oh ---- ( replace with your favorite four letter word cause Everyone of them was used that evening.**Yeah pretty sure even that one.)

Pain traveled throughout the eye socket with in miliseconds.

**** Here is where my anatomy lessons came in handy. ******

Your eye ducts connect
to your nose duct.

Your nose duct connects
your mouth and throat duct.

Your nose ducts connect to your
eye duct.


Now for dialogue that outside my head.

JD: Oh ---- Oh---- This stings! This stings!!
BAND: Are you ok?
JD:NO!!! Oh my gosh!! I am on FIRE!!
BAND: What do you want me to do?
JD: Call Poison control!! I need to know If I am going BLIND!! QUICK!! (Followed by much more profane language).

I stuck my face under the kitchen faucet. And then grabbed a handful of ice cubes. Nothing was working. Then I hear only part of a faint conversation in the back room.

BAND:"Yes....umm... this isn't an emergency, emergency.....um hold on....."
"JD they want to know if you are still conscious!!"
JD: YES I am still conscious!!



(To myself: Oh great!! you have really done it this time, people can't even stay conscious trying to recover from this!!! You are going blind!! YOU idiot!! you will never see the sweet faces of your children, you won't see husband's face!! The sky!! Sunrises!! Not to mention wearing sunglasses everywhere!!(ok just not those geriatric sunglasses!! UGHH!!!)


Out loud:

JD: What did poison control say??
Band: I couldn't get the number for poison control so I called 911. The paramedics will be here in a couple min.....Ding DONG.
JD: Oh CRAP!!!

(Enter Four Paramedics)

By now my legs were shaking. And I was visibly shaken from the pain.

JD: I have given birth to two babies and I have never NEVER been in this much pain.

They proceeded to tell me that they thought they were called out to a party where the drinking game had gone arye. I was totally humiliated and finally asked if the pain was from the jalepeno acids burning my eyes out. They said no it was an "oil based irritant". Oh the shame!!!

"Would you like to go to the hospital??"

No if I am not going blind and All they would do is rinse out my Ducts, no. Thank you but no.

After about 40 minutes the saline bath that rinsed my eyes for 15 minutes started to dull the pain.

Thanks Rachel Ray!!! I would have remembered if you slipped on some latex gloves to protect your hands from getting oil on them. No instead you had to carefully touch the skin of the jalepeno and scoop with a spoon. Oh you are too tricky!!

So now that we have covered that ......Last night I went out to BBQ some suculent chicken breasts that marinaded in garlic herb heaven. The healthy respect for fire came back to me as I lit the burners.

Lets just say......I leaned quickly away from the range, with a little less eyebrow, eyelashes, and bangs than I leaned in with.

No, I did not try and reenact the Pepsi commercial with MJ but. I did get those unsightly hairs between my eyebrows removed. (Been meaning to get around to those!whew!)

Moral of this HUGE post.

Buy Pace Picante.

Leave the grillin' to the guys.